Since then, I've discovered new heights of love and bottomless depths of fears. I've learned that sometimes, I have to restrain myself from squeezing him until he can't breath because I'm so lost in the wash of emotion when I'm holding him. I have to keep myself from doing it to Mike, too, because in Logan, I see Mike, and I am terrified of the fragility of life and emotion. I want to hold my boys in my arms, and I want to protect them against the world and anyway who would ever seek to harm them.
I know Logan's smell and the feel of the skin on his cheeks, but I need to stare at his photos on my desk at work every few minutes to reassure myself that he's real. I drive home, wondering if I can get home and back to work with the gas indicator on empty, because I really don't want to waste the 10 minutes getting gas when I could be bursting through the door to the smiles of my son.
I now know that I was just waiting for that day that I would be a Mommy, because I feel more aware, more alive and just more than I ever have before, even though my life has been pretty eventful, satisfying and happy up to this point.
When the nurses handed me Logan, I was stupefied and my mind a total blank. I'd created this perfect little person, blinking blearily up at me, and the weight of the responsibility came crashing to home He snuggled in, looking for warmth, and it was over for me.
I remember literally digging my fingers into the arms of a chair later that night to keep from lunging at a NICU nurse who was comforting Logan while another nurse drew some blood. I may have even bared my teeth in pure rage and seething jealousy.
That is MY son and I am the one who comforts him, NOT YOU.
I've grown as a person and a woman in the past year. The world shines more brightly, and the colors are more vivid, because now I see them through Logan's eyes. I know that if something every happened to him, I I would never be whole again.
I know that Logan is my sun, my moon and my stars.
Happy Birthday, my baby boy. Mommy loves you and loves you and loves you and loves you.
I remember telling Eryn at Allison's first birthday gathering that she literally was a Perfect Thing. I knew rationally that other people saw her as just a little toddler, but to me, she was Literally Perfect. You do a good job of putting those emotions into words.
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