I'm a survivor!

I made it through my first week back at work. Except for them disabling my computer access because I hadn't completed some training about having computer access which I needed computer access to complete, and there being 300+ emails in my inbox, my first day back was pretty uneventful. People stopped by and said, "Welcome back" but it wasn't a big deal.

To help me with the separation, I brought three picture frames filled with Logan photos.  At first, I put them on top of the hanging cabinets above my desk, but I couldn't easily see them, so then I put them on my desk, playing around with the configuration until I was satisfied. I look at them very frequently, marveling at how much he's grown from one photo to the next, knowing that his baby time is fleeting, and because the US is one of the industrialized countries with the worst maternity leave policies (just like our health care system, tying maternity leave to your job is a mistake) I'm going to miss a lot of it.

The day actually went by pretty quickly because I was busy, but it didn't keep me from eying the clock and rushing out at the first possible moment, driving home without even considering stopping and scooping up my boy when I ran through the door.

My mom had held off feeding him since I'd texted her that I was leaving, so I took him upstairs and fed him as soon as I got home. Usually, I move him to the other side or off when he stops eating and starts doing some self-soothing because I'm against being a human pacifier, but this time, I let him go, so we cuddled together for close to an hour.

Leaving him in the mornings is really hard. He's at his most smiley in the morning, and most cranky in the late afternoon/early evening. I give him up when he's happy and get him back when he's a bit of a grump. It really does help having my mom be the one I'm handing him off to, because I know she loves him almost as much as I do. She also helpfully texted me throughout the day, letting me know how Logan was doing.

But leaning over to give him those last few kisses, while smiling at him so he doesn't see my heartbreak, makes me sad.

Short maternity time off of work is part of the realities of modern life, so I can't mourn too hard or long, since that changes nothing. I can only wait for his schedule to settle out and for him to have increasingly longer stretches of awake times so I can make the time we're together as awesome as it can be.